Lunchtime Challenges

Just a quick entry to put in my latest pic taken today at my office.

These flowers in the picture are from my friends Sarah and Brian. They are so cool looking - they're Star of Bethlehem, which I've never heard of before.

Since I was stuck at the 25 lb. loss for this past week, I decided I'm not going to weigh myself until my doctor's appointment, which is tomorrow. And then if I'm still at this plateau, I'll ask the doctor if there's anything he can suggest that might help things along.

I know it'll start back up, but I guess I'm impatient ....

So I went out to lunch at Toojays (one of my favorite places) on Wednesday and let's just say it was less than successful. I ordered a cup of chili, which went down well. I didn't eat it all, and picked out the beans, but it was great. And since I'm supposed to have a veggie or fruit with it, I ordered a side of broccoli. So the server brought it out and it was just barely steamed - you know, like they do in fancy-schmancy restaurants. I asked him to bring it back to the kitchen and ask them to cook it quite a bit more, that it needs to be soft. He brings it out again. I can't even tell a difference from the previous time. So then I pull out the "I had surgery and need soft foods" card. "Tell them to cook the hell out of it," I told him. So when he brought it out the third time it was still firm, but I decided what the hell, I'll just chop it up really small. Plus it was dry. So I ate about an ounce of it, but after I finished I sat there and thought ... holy crap, this damn broccoli is going to come back up. So I went to the bathroom and sure enough, it came right back up. Not to be gross, but it wasn't like when you throw up and it's all drama and retching and sourness from the stomach. No, this was literally like - okay, no more space, this food isn't going to fit - and it just quietly came back up.

It wasn't terrible, but it did make me nervous. Like when you almost get into an accident and then you drive like ridiculously carefully for the next couple of days, you know? I've been chewing everything like 150 times before I swallow since then.

But now I don't know if I can't tolerate broccoli, or if I ate too much of it, or because it wasn't cooked enough. All I know is I won't be eating broccoli again anytime soon. :)

So maybe I'm not ready to go out to lunch yet. I think I'll stick with my little tiny Gladware lunches from home for now.

Feeling almost normal now...

I've heard that it takes about a month of doing the same thing every day to develop a habit. I'm on Day 21 since my surgery and I almost feel like my "new life" has become a comfortable habit to me.

Don't get me wrong - it's still a pain to crush my giant potassium pill and plead with it to blend into whatever I'm eating for breakfast ... and chewing the giant calcium and multi-vitamins - 4 in the morning and 4 in the evening - all that is still annoying ... but it's like it's an annoying part of my normal day and it doesn't seem as intrusive as it used to. Now it's just like one of those inevitables that accost all of us every day - like tolls or traffic or that annoying co-worker. Nothing I can't deal with, shrug my shoulders, and go on with my day.

But what I want to know is, why is everything so small for me now -- tiny little bowls, cute little 5 inch plates, little sippy cups, tiny little 1 oz. servings .... but the freakin' vitamins are like the size of a Krystal burger???

Can't someone make bariatric vitamins that are not so big they fill us up as much as a meal?

I feel MUCH better now, though. I feel healthy and not as tired and draggy. Just the past 3 days or so has made so much difference. And that makes me feel happier.

I tried a new recipe last night from my binder I got from the hospital ... turkey meatloaf. It had no breadcrumbs in it, so no starch (which I can't have until the 6 month mark). Instead you mixed mozzeralla cheese in with it, spices, and an egg, of course. It came out really good and I put some jazzed-up tomato puree over it and yummy! That 1.5 oz. of meatloaf (really funny how little that is!) was simply delish. I also sauteed some fresh spinach in some olive oil and garlic and I had a wonderful - albeit tiny - meal. And yes, I was full.

I'm finding that being creative and trying new things is what's keeping my spirits up and keeping me from missing food too much. As in everything in life, the key to keeping me happy and interested is using my creativity!

I am frustrated because for the last 4-5 days that I've stepped on the scale I've weighed the same! Here's the latest tally:

Initial pounds to lose: 140
Pounds lost: 25
Pounds left to lose: 115

But I can't get past that 25-lbs. lost mark and it's starting to piss me off. :) I mean, it's not like I can really do anything differently ... I'm already following exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. In fact, if anything, I'm not eating ENOUGH -- sometimes I can't get in everything.

I think the key here is I need to stop weighing myself every single day. I'll try and weigh myself twice a week. If I can be that patient.

And I need to look at the big picture and realize that in 21 days I've lost 25 lbs., for God's sake.

I mean, I know the weight loss will eventually start back up again - but I got spoiled for a while seeing at least a 2-lb. loss every day.

And here's a question for everyone: What's more important ... the number on the scale or the clothes size you wear? We were discussing this the other day at work. For me, I want to be a size 10. I don't care what I weigh to get into a size 10, but that's what I want. For some people I guess it's a particular number they weighed in college or something, but for me it's a size. I imagine for men it might be a certain pants/jeans waist size. I'd be interested in your responses to that question.

Back to work........

Hmmm.... it's not even 2pm and I need a nap.

First, an update:

Original pounds to lose: 140
Pounds lost so far: 23
Pounds left to lose: 117

I went back to work today and though it was great being back and seeing everybody, I feel very overwhelmed. It feels like everyone's talking too much and too loud and there are too many bright lights in the city and everything's moving so fast..... I've been in my little cocoon for 2 weeks with my little Maltese Rocco on my lap watching The View and Ellen and my world didn't go any farther than my new food processor and my loveseat. My big outings were taking Rocco for walks around the neighborhood twice a day. We've been walking a half a mile or more each time, twice a day, so that's been great. But a neighborhood during the day is very quiet - nothing like a busy downtown office building.

So here I am back at my desk trying to catch up on emails and work and phone messages and I'm wishing I had the luxury of working 1/2 days for the first couple of days back.

But whatever - I'm back and I'm sure I'll get back in the swing of things. It's been great talking to everybody - lots of people have questions and are asking how I'm feeling and it makes me feel really great to hear people say they missed me.

Today we had a breakfast at a restaurant with one of our station representatives and I had to get up early enough to make myself a scrambled egg and puree it to bring with me. Not to mention crushing up my potassium pill, mixing it in with my applesauce, and packing all my "supplies" to bring to work for the week. So that kinda sucked - sitting at breakfast watching everyone eat these great breakfasts but having to pull out my little mini-Gladware with my breakfast. But actually it's not that bad because I'm not hungry so it's not like I could eat what they had anyway.

But here's the two things that are getting to me so far:

Domino's has this commercial out right now for their Brooklyn Style Pizza -- you know the kind of pizza that is really thin and floppy and you have to fold it to eat it ... mmmmm.... well, it's hard to explain, but the visuals of that pizza are making me crazy. It's not like if it was in front of me I would be able to take more than 2 bites without getting full, but it's a visual thing, I guess.

The other thing is yesterday my mom asked if I could bring her some Buffalo wings for dinner. So I ordered them for her and for Rudy and went and picked them up and brought them to her. Watching her eat them was hard - not torturous - but a little tough. Because Buffalo wings are one of my favorite foods, and there's no way I could have even gotten a bite down if I wanted to. The smell was fantastic, though.

So visuals and smells are still getting to me, even though I don't really want the food. I guess it's like a married man checking out a gorgeous woman - he knows he can't do anything about it, but he still appreciates the aesthetics. :)

I'll try and post a photo early this week. I can tell that I've lost 23 lbs., because my clothes are looser and I can see it in my face and neck, but I don't think anyone else can tell. That's understandable, and not really frustrating yet. But if I've lost like 40 and people still can't tell, then I'll be pissed. :)

So don't expect to be able to see any difference in these next few photos. Just want to make sure I keep the blog interesting with pics.

Thanks for reading!

Words of Wisdom

Wow, this is amazing.

It's Tuesday, 8 days since my surgery, and I've already lost 20 lbs.!!

So now we can start our countdown:

Original pounds to lose: 140
Pounds lost: 20
Pounds left to lose: 120

Here I go .. hang on for the ride!

Today I was just reading something that this great girl at work gave me - her name is Jamie and she had the surgery 2 years ago and she's lost about 125 lbs. She's been a great support to me - we went to lunch when I was making my decision about whether to have the surgery and she told me everything to expect - good AND bad. It was great because she shared her pictures throughout her weight loss and it really inspired me. She's a size 10 now, which is what I want to be.

Anyway, on my last day at work she wrote this "86 Reasons Why Gastric Bypass Was the Best Decision of my Life" - they were just simple things that she has enjoyed with the weight loss. Here's some of the ones I can relate to the most. I'm sure anyone who's very overweight can relate to some of these. They are right on target:

• Not being limited to only shopping at plus-size stores
  
• No more secret scale numbers
• Can wear shoes for more than an hour without pain
• No longer afraid to see old friends
• I have a lap!
• Can sit cross-legged on the floor
• Can use an airplane seat belt without an extension
• Can fit in a turnstile without turning sideways
• Can fit into a restaurant booth without having a "shelf" over the table
• Can fit comfortably into movie theater seats
• I can cross one leg over the other when seated
• I love having my picture taken!
• I have to come up with a "NEW" New Years resolution!
• BYE BYE LANE BRYANT!!
• HELLO VICTORIA'S SECRET!!

I know those of you who are reading this and are of normal weight can't relate to any of these, but maybe it can help you put yourself in the position of an overweight person and get an idea of all the little crap that we live with and secretly hate.

And it's all stuff you take for granted, isn't it? Stuff that you don't even think about, and yet as an overweight person I have had some of these constant worries for years ... When I walk into a restaurant, will I fit into the booth comfortably? When I go to an Orlando Magic game or a concert at the Amway Arena, will I get stuck in the turn-stile? How am I going to ask the flight attendant for the seatbelt extension without calling attention to myself?

I will be SO happy as some of these things become non-issues for me.

Today I went out into the "real world" -- a girlfriend came and took me to Starbucks and I had a tall (bye bye Grande!) decaf tea and it was great to just sit there and talk and have actual clothes and make-up on. :) But after a couple of hours of being out, boy was I tired.

Told my mom on Easter Sunday. She was good about it, but she said "Good, I'm glad I didn't know until after the surgery!" I know my mommy, dammit! :)

Oh, funny thing about Easter - we went to my brothers house and they had a great spread out to eat - all the stuff our family usually has for Easter - a Honey-Baked Ham, my sister's amazing baked beans, potato salad, rolls, cheeses, lemon cake, this chocolate cake that looked heavenly, and of course lots of Easter candy everywhere.

So here was what I brought for my dinner:

• 1 1/2 oz. pureed ham salad (I pureed some ham pieces with light mayo & mustard)
• The inside (yolk mixture) of a deviled egg

And I was full. Freaky, huh?

It was fine - it's not like I really want any of the "real" food, because I'm not hungry. So I was happy just to be there and laughing with everyone and knowing the surgery was behind me.

I'm home and kinda pitiful... :)

Well, the surgery was on Monday. It went well, and I got home from the hospital on Wednesday evening. If I'd had a choice I'd have stayed another day, if only for the relatively good sleep I got in the recliner in the hospital room.

I've had 2 children, a hysterectomy, and a gall bladder removed, so I'm no newbie to surgery. But I'm not going to splenda-coat it, this one was tough. I know abdominal surgery is always a hard recovery, but I hate feeling so vulnerable and pathetic.

My days have become a great quest to find a comfortable position that doesn't make my abdomen hurt like hell. The first night I went to sleep in our bed, but woke up at 4am needing to pee. AND I was lying flat on my back, even though I had several pillows under my head. So I went to get up and I couldn't budge myself. I had no stomach muscles to push off with. Try getting up from a flat-on-your-back position without using any stomach muscles. Impossible.

So I tried rolling to the side and swinging my legs over, but I couldn't roll on my side because it was too sore. I literally laid there for an hour trying different ways to get up, whimpering and feeling sorry for myself. Then finally at 5am I reluctantly woke Rudy and asked him to help me get up. He hopped right up and was very nice about it, but what a pain in the ass to be woken up 1 hour before he has to get up to go to work anyway. But he was great. Anyway, I went out to the loveseat in the living room and built myself a nest with pillows and that has been my domicile ever since. I slept there last night and though I can't say it was comfortable, at least I can get myself up when I need to.

All I want to do is veg and doze, but there is so much to do!! I'm supposed to "ambulate" (walk!) several times a day, do my breathing exercises every hour into the little breathing thingy they gave me (to build your lung capacity back), do my leg and ankle exercises (to prevent blood clots), then in the morning I have to take my pepcid, my liquid multi-vitamin, crush up this giant potassium pill and mix it into applesauce, drink plenty of fluids (80 oz./day! I can barely swallow an ounce at a time), be sure to get all my pureed foods in, and drink my protein shakes.

The pureed foods are interesting. I ordered a cute little red mini-food processor online, and it was waiting for me when I got home from the hospital. My sister came and stayed with me for a few hours on Thursday, and she helped me get it set up and figure out how it works, and we pureed some things to get me started. My first pureed food was cottage cheese with some pears in it. Kinda tasty, actually.

Here's what I had on Thursday, my first day home:

• 1 oz. applesauce
• 1.5 oz. peach yogurt
• 1 vanilla protein shake
• 16 oz. decaf tea
• 1.5 oz. cottage cheese and pear puree
• dinner - 1.5 oz. lowfat ricotta and 1 oz. of a delicious tomato puree with italian seasonings that my sister had simmering for me all day
• At night Rudy cut up some strawberry-kiwi jello for me with some skim milk over it

I need to point out that it was TOUGH getting all this down. You should see what 1.5 oz. ricotta and 1 oz of tomato puree looks like on a plate. Like two little pitiful tiny scoops. But it was soooo filling and tasted like a great Italian meal to me.

Today I tried pureeing a scrambled egg and some lite cream cheese, and that was yummy. That was my dinner tonight, along with 1 oz. of applesauce. And I was more full than I used to feel eating a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Just with that tiny bit of food, I am so stuffed I'm wondering if I shouldn't try eating all they say you're supposed to eat if it's too much for you. U.S. Bariatric provides you with a great nutritionist that you can email with questions - I'll have to ask her that.

I'm getting sore sitting at the computer desk, so I have to go back to my nest. I'll write more this weekend.

Twas The Night Before Surgery...

... and all through the house, I'm excited and nervous and clicking my mouse.

I thought it might be a good idea to write something tonight to calm me a bit. It's Sunday night, April 1st, and the surgery is tomorrow morning at 10am. My emotions are all over the place.

Last night I had a moment. I was alone in my bedroom, folding some clothes, and my husband Rudy was out in the living room on the computer. Suddenly I felt very, very scared. Very small and childlike and scared. I came out into the living room and looked at Rudy and said quietly, "I'm scared." And he got right up and hugged me and I started crying and crying. It lasted about an hour. Then I said to myself, "You're doing this, you're thrilled you're doing it, be brave and strong and determined and stop your freaking." So I did ... and with the exception of a few moments today, I have been fine.

Today Rudy was great. He really helped keep me calm and made me laugh when I'd otherwise be a wreck. We woke up, went to get a bagel for breakfast at Panera, then went to see a movie. I thought 2 hours of something funny and mindless might be a good idea, and it was. ALSO, it was my last hurrah with buttered popcorn for quite some time. :) We saw "Blades of Glory" with Will Farrell and Jon Heder and it was actually funnier than we thought it would be. I mean, two men figure skating sounded pretty stupid, but as I said to Rudy, Will Farrell has never failed to please, so we gave it a shot. And we laughed all the way through it. I recommend it!

Then we went to see my mother in the nursing home. My mother is 86 years old and a wonderful, intelligent woman. However, she has high blood pressure and worries a lot, so I've decided not to tell her I'm having gastric bypass until AFTER the surgery. That way she won't have to worry about the surgery itself. So I warned Rudy not to mention it to her, and we had a nice visit. I think Rudy might disagree about my not telling her, but he seemed to respect my decision.

Then we went for my "last meal". Since it's the day before surgery, I can't eat after 4pm. So at 3pm we went to one of my favorite restaurants, California Pizza Kitchen. I knew exactly what I was going to order. Rudy and I shared the chopped salad, which is simply delish - it has thin slices of salami, cheese, little cubes of turkey breast, and chick peas, and it's all chopped up really small and has a great dressing all tossed in. Some fresh pepper and parmesan cheese sprinkled on top - and it's salad heaven. Then Rudy got some chicken tortilla soup and I got these delicious Thai chicken tortilla rolls, and we had our feast.

I had a very clear moment when I had two pieces of the tortilla roll left. I looked down at my plate and said to Rudy, "This is the last solid food I'm going to eat for at least 2-3 weeks." Wow, that really hit me. So I stopped and savored those last two pieces. I stayed in the moment and enjoyed every bite. It struck me that in 6 months, these two little pieces might be more than I can eat at one time. Those two little pieces will probably fill me up.

So last bite done, plates cleared away, and we left to go to Publix to shop for my post-surgery foods. Cottage cheese, eggs, yogurt, cauliflower, bananas, broccoli, tomato puree, pears, peaches... I was walking through Publix with the binder they gave me in my pre-op class and making sure I got all foods that I can puree. I know I have to be creative so I can stay inspired!

Then when I got home, following my "night before surgery" preparation sheet, I drank my Magnesium Citrate. Grape flavored. A saline laxative. Uhhhh.....yuck. And now I'm having to keep leaving my blog, if you know what I mean. I guess they need your stomach - and everything - cleared out for the surgery. No problem here. :)

So now I'm going to try and relax, watch "Dexter" on Showtime (I heard it's great so we want to see it!) and maybe take one of the sleeping pills they prescribed for the night before surgery. I didn't think I needed it because I usually sleep pretty well, but I can tell I'm getting antsy and I might need it to bring me down a little.

So here's the deal ... I am NOT, repeat NOT, going to tell my weight in this blog. There might be too many people I know reading this, and while I'm a very open person, that's taking "open" a little too far.

So what we'll do as I go through this journey is I'll start with how much I have to lose. Now, I'd be happy anywhere between a weight loss of 125 to 150 lbs. So we'll say I want to lose 140. And we'll count down how much I've lost, and how much to go, with the weight loss of 140 as the goal. I might also share my BMI, but that's it. While I admire the people who are able to openly discuss their weight .... me, not so much. :)

Okay, it's time to get myself into relaxation mode and prepare for the beginning of what hopefully will be an amazing journey. I know it's going to be hard, but the thought of getting smaller and wearing smaller sizes and cuter clothes is so exciting to me that I know it's all going to be worth it. And feeling healthier and feeling lighter on my feet when I walk, being able to be more active ... oh man, this is what I've dreamed of for so long.

Okay, I'll write more when I get home from the hospital. I'm sure I'll have a lot to share.

Wish me luck.