Twas The Night Before Surgery...

... and all through the house, I'm excited and nervous and clicking my mouse.

I thought it might be a good idea to write something tonight to calm me a bit. It's Sunday night, April 1st, and the surgery is tomorrow morning at 10am. My emotions are all over the place.

Last night I had a moment. I was alone in my bedroom, folding some clothes, and my husband Rudy was out in the living room on the computer. Suddenly I felt very, very scared. Very small and childlike and scared. I came out into the living room and looked at Rudy and said quietly, "I'm scared." And he got right up and hugged me and I started crying and crying. It lasted about an hour. Then I said to myself, "You're doing this, you're thrilled you're doing it, be brave and strong and determined and stop your freaking." So I did ... and with the exception of a few moments today, I have been fine.

Today Rudy was great. He really helped keep me calm and made me laugh when I'd otherwise be a wreck. We woke up, went to get a bagel for breakfast at Panera, then went to see a movie. I thought 2 hours of something funny and mindless might be a good idea, and it was. ALSO, it was my last hurrah with buttered popcorn for quite some time. :) We saw "Blades of Glory" with Will Farrell and Jon Heder and it was actually funnier than we thought it would be. I mean, two men figure skating sounded pretty stupid, but as I said to Rudy, Will Farrell has never failed to please, so we gave it a shot. And we laughed all the way through it. I recommend it!

Then we went to see my mother in the nursing home. My mother is 86 years old and a wonderful, intelligent woman. However, she has high blood pressure and worries a lot, so I've decided not to tell her I'm having gastric bypass until AFTER the surgery. That way she won't have to worry about the surgery itself. So I warned Rudy not to mention it to her, and we had a nice visit. I think Rudy might disagree about my not telling her, but he seemed to respect my decision.

Then we went for my "last meal". Since it's the day before surgery, I can't eat after 4pm. So at 3pm we went to one of my favorite restaurants, California Pizza Kitchen. I knew exactly what I was going to order. Rudy and I shared the chopped salad, which is simply delish - it has thin slices of salami, cheese, little cubes of turkey breast, and chick peas, and it's all chopped up really small and has a great dressing all tossed in. Some fresh pepper and parmesan cheese sprinkled on top - and it's salad heaven. Then Rudy got some chicken tortilla soup and I got these delicious Thai chicken tortilla rolls, and we had our feast.

I had a very clear moment when I had two pieces of the tortilla roll left. I looked down at my plate and said to Rudy, "This is the last solid food I'm going to eat for at least 2-3 weeks." Wow, that really hit me. So I stopped and savored those last two pieces. I stayed in the moment and enjoyed every bite. It struck me that in 6 months, these two little pieces might be more than I can eat at one time. Those two little pieces will probably fill me up.

So last bite done, plates cleared away, and we left to go to Publix to shop for my post-surgery foods. Cottage cheese, eggs, yogurt, cauliflower, bananas, broccoli, tomato puree, pears, peaches... I was walking through Publix with the binder they gave me in my pre-op class and making sure I got all foods that I can puree. I know I have to be creative so I can stay inspired!

Then when I got home, following my "night before surgery" preparation sheet, I drank my Magnesium Citrate. Grape flavored. A saline laxative. Uhhhh.....yuck. And now I'm having to keep leaving my blog, if you know what I mean. I guess they need your stomach - and everything - cleared out for the surgery. No problem here. :)

So now I'm going to try and relax, watch "Dexter" on Showtime (I heard it's great so we want to see it!) and maybe take one of the sleeping pills they prescribed for the night before surgery. I didn't think I needed it because I usually sleep pretty well, but I can tell I'm getting antsy and I might need it to bring me down a little.

So here's the deal ... I am NOT, repeat NOT, going to tell my weight in this blog. There might be too many people I know reading this, and while I'm a very open person, that's taking "open" a little too far.

So what we'll do as I go through this journey is I'll start with how much I have to lose. Now, I'd be happy anywhere between a weight loss of 125 to 150 lbs. So we'll say I want to lose 140. And we'll count down how much I've lost, and how much to go, with the weight loss of 140 as the goal. I might also share my BMI, but that's it. While I admire the people who are able to openly discuss their weight .... me, not so much. :)

Okay, it's time to get myself into relaxation mode and prepare for the beginning of what hopefully will be an amazing journey. I know it's going to be hard, but the thought of getting smaller and wearing smaller sizes and cuter clothes is so exciting to me that I know it's all going to be worth it. And feeling healthier and feeling lighter on my feet when I walk, being able to be more active ... oh man, this is what I've dreamed of for so long.

Okay, I'll write more when I get home from the hospital. I'm sure I'll have a lot to share.

Wish me luck.